I surprised myself with how well I handled this transition. I'm recording it here now for future reference: there was no nausea, stomach butterflies, lack of appetite, sleeplessness, racing heartbeat. Nothing. Nada, as they say in Spanish. : )
Looking back at the Ghana move, I think it went smoothly, but there were still minute elements of the forementioned symptoms. This time? Going to a new country, new continent, new language, where I don't know a soul---didn't even phase me. And we've got the added stress of doing long distance to boot! I kept waiting for Distress to find me, peering around the next corner, checking behind my back, sure that He was coming to grab hold of me. I guess it's a realization, an acceptance: I choose this path, this detour. Que sara, sara.
When I was asked if I was excited about coming, I had to pause in answer. I always associate excitement with an actual physical feeling (dictionary definition speaks of cheerful joy, emotional arousal, being worked up or agitated). Mentally, I was looking forward to coming, but I didn't feel any of those things. I've worried before that I'd lost the capacity to feel excitement in relationship to travel, but really I think I just confused it with anxiety.
Costa Rica is a time-limited location for me---I'm out of here in 9-10 months. Ghana was open-ended and that chapter went on far too long. I felt compelled to extend my Malaysian 10 months to a year. Will this one feel too short?
I slept soundly last night, another first for a new location. I remembered two things from my dream when I woke up and the dream dictionary interpretation seemed like it could certainly apply to me as I face an unfamiliar situation: "To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up, signifies your vulnerability to a situation" and "To dream that you are cutting your hair, suggests that you are experiencing a loss in strength. You may feel that someone is trying to censor you. Alternatively, you may be reshaping your thinking or ambitions and eliminating unwanted thoughts/habits" (I'm going with this latter part of the hair bit).
I used to look forward to new locations as places where I could recreate myself, be whoever I wanted to be. The people I would meet had no concept of who Jill was and I could start out fresh. But this time is different. I don't want to be new, I want to get back some of my old self. The old Jill that I caught glimpses of when I had the chance to meet up with old friends I hadn't seen in years this summer. I don't know what happened to her, where she got to. The sillier, more carefree, peppy, sparkling side of me. Did Africa drain it out of me? Possibly. I had become a bit of a recluse the latter part of my time in Accra. Cycles of friends had left ahead of me and I just didn't have it in me to fill the void they left. I started to feel a little like I did after my hair grew out of its spikes---blah.
New location, renewed energy. New adventures of a recovered Jill.
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3 comments:
That change of spirit you were referring to at the end of this entry kind of reminded me of how you were at some point in college--I think maybe when you returned from Egypt? Or maybe it was before you went to Egypt. I really wish I could remember. But I just remember thinking that you suddenly were acting "too grown up" and that you'd lost some of that playfulness. I know I'd told you that before this, so maybe you'll remember when I was referring to. Do you? Anyhow, somewhere it came back and that was a relief. But I wonder if there is some association about what times in your life you feel most carefree and fun and "yourself" and when you don't? Thoughts? Love, your littlest sister, but biggest admirer :)
PS, I read all that while drying my hair. I'm glad to have your blogs back to keep me entertained while I dry. :)
Yeah, you essentially told me I was no more fun after I got back from Egypt. Not sure how long that lasted, but glad to hear you think it didn't. : ) I think the association you asked about is the one I kind of mentioned in the blog---when I'm engaged in a new location, surrounded by exciting and interesting people, when they're exploring to be done, that's when I feel most alive and connected. Part of my ADHD with staying in one place too long!
But what do I know---you're the psychologist! You tell me.
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